There are few universal truths about humans, but one is this: Every single one of us engages in self-criticism from time to time. (My inner critic is currently raging against my failure to get on the treadmill at all this week.) A tendency toward critical self-talk is a habit, not a fixed personality trait, experts told me. It’s often exacerbated by childhood trauma, emotional abuse, bullying, sexism, homophobia, and social-media use. And there’s good reason to work on silencing it: Self-criticism has been found to worsen depression, anxiety, disordered eating, juvenile delinquency, self-harm, and suicidal behavior and ideation. Fortunately, there are ways to learn how to speak more kindly to ourselves. Here are a few of my favorite tips: - Practice loving-kindness meditation. Research suggests that a type of mindfulness called loving-kindness meditation can help change up your self-talk. The practice involves silently repeating encouraging phrases—like “May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease”—for about five minutes at a time.
- Celebrate your wins. I’m consistently disappointed in myself for not crossing everything off my to-do list. Flip the script by creating a “done” list instead: Every night, make a list of all the things you accomplished that day, no matter how small—simply taking a vitamin counts.
- Look for the (gentle) lessons. Self-criticism can sometimes contain important information and even prove helpful. If you’re hard on yourself for not keeping in good touch with your friends, for example, that signals a desire to nourish your friendships. Reframe the message: Instead of “You suck at keeping in touch,” try “This is really important to me. I wonder how I can make it happen more often.”
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